300 Spartan Soldiers on the Wall, 300 Spartan Soldiers…

I just saw the advance screening of Frank Miller’s 300. Man. You know that cool way in which Sin City (with all its flaws) really made it feel like you were reading a comic book? 300 never lets you forget you’re watching a bunch of guys in their vinyl underwear in front of a green screen in a 40 x 40 studio, with lots of post-production work. But hey, I could have gone with that, and with the most wretched opening I’ve seen in a good while, if it weren’t for the goddamn worst narration of all times. I mean, it made me miss the narration in the original cut of Blade Runner as light-handed and vibrant. Man.

That said, I’m happy I saw it for free. At least now I can talk about it with other people; and I did laugh a good deal, though I don’t think that’s what director Zack Snyder had in mind. If it was to do over again, though… Here’s my recommendation on how this movie should be watched. In fact, I may still do that when the time comes:

  • Wait until the DVD comes out, and rent it.
  • Secure a big screen TV, a keg of decent beer, and a case of popcorn. The air-popped stuff if you can, it tastes better.
  • Get 25 of your “closest friends” together, and have an MST3K party.

The 300 drinking game:

  • Every time a Spartan yells “Aooooh!”, take a drink.
  • Every time a Spartan strikes a pose, take a drink.
  • Every time the narrator starts droning, take a drink.
  • Every time the camera tracks a drop of something (blood, water, etc.), take drink
  • Every time you can see any of King Leonidas’ nose hairs, take a drink.
  • Every time you see a piercing, take a drink.
  • Every time a limb is removed in one blow, take a drink.
  • Every time a head is removed in one blow, take a drink and pass the bottle (left if it’s a Spartan, right if it’s a Persian).
  • Every time a Spartan moves but his abdominals don’t, take a drink.
  • Every scene where clouds are racing but the light level never changes, take a drink.
  • Every time an Athenian whines, take a drink.
  • Every time you think “Where’s the Stargate?”, take a drink.
  • Every time a new completely improbable ethnic group or army unit shows up, kill the bottle
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